100 Things Russia Cannot Do
1) I cannot jump out of planes.
2) Unless there’s snow on the ground.
3) The snow will cushion my fall, no matter what.
4) That’s all snow is good for.
5) I cannot plant sunflowers in the snow.
6) They’ll die.
7) I don’t want them to die.
8) I cannot go to China’s house.
9) Unless I'm wearing a panda suit.
10) Otherwise, he won’t let me in.
11) Do you think he’s scared of me?
12) Nah, there’s no way Yao-Yao could be scared of me.
13) I cannot let America’s “commie” insults get to me.
14) I’ll just kill him later.
15) Same goes for England, who always agrees with him on the subject.
16) I cannot laugh when Japan unsheathes his katana.
17) It makes him angry with me.
18) Then I would have to kill him too.
19) I cannot let Belarus into my house.
20) It’s just not allowed.
21) Let’s just say, she’ll do very bad things to me.
22) I cannot be scared of France.
23) Even if he can do very nasty things, like groping.
24) He knows I can easily destroy him with my pipe.
25) I cannot let my pipe go a week without cleaning.
26) It tends to scare others when they see it.
27) Especially with blood on it.
28) They seem to just know whose blood it is every time.
29) I cannot go looking for Ukraine.
30) Unless you want her to pay the rent.
31) She keeps running away.
32) Sadly, Belarus keeps following me.
33) I cannot mention what happened when Belarus snuck in last week.
34) You don’t want to know what happened.
35) Trust me.
36) Vodka will help anything.
37) Especially sadness.
38) It even helped my Yao-Yao before.
39) I cannot mention what happened last night around China.
40) He’ll get embarrassed.
41) And angry.
42) And yell at me in random Chinese.
43) Even though he and I both know he loved it.
44) Yao-Yao’s so silly sometimes.
45) I cannot not let Lithuania date Belarus.
46) Until she’s over me entirely.
47) Poor Lithuania got his fingers broken.
48) I need him to be able to use those.
49) If you catch my drift.
50) I cannot tell China what I do to the Baltic nations.
51) He’ll get jealous and not see me anymore.
52) That’ll make me sad.
53) I cannot laugh when America goes on about capitalism.
54) Even though it’s very funny to me.
55) Communism is working just fine with it.
56) China gets it.
57) I cannot ever get rid of my scarf.
58) Ukraine gave it to me.
59) Before she started to run away from me…
60) I still love this scarf.
61) Almost as much as I love sunflowers.
62) Or Yao-Yao.
63) I cannot tell Yao-Yao I love him.
64) Or call him Yao-Yao.
65) He gets angry.
66) I don’t know why though.
67) I always wanted him to give me a cute nickname.
68) I cannot mention my past to anyone.
69) They will get interested.
70) And want to hear more about it.
71) And that’s just too painful for me.
72) Let’s just say there was a lot of blood.
73) I don’t like blood.
74) Especially when it gets on my sunflowers.
75) They’re too pretty to have to be tainted that way.
76) I cannot be discouraged.
77) Someday, everyone will become one with Mother Russia.
78) Even though they say ‘no’ every time I ask them.
79) I just know we’ll all be happy together.
80) We’ll live in a beautiful warm place.
81) With sunflowers!
82) Just the thought of it makes me happy sometimes.
83) I cannot protect myself against Belarus.
84) It’s a lose-lose situation, really.
85) I cannot harm her, for she is my sister.
86) I cannot let her near me, because she’ll do things to me.
87) I cannot laugh at England when he tried to chase his unicorns and fairies.
88) Even though they don’t exist.
89) And everyone else laughs.
90) And I can easily snap his neck like a twig.
91) I’d be mad too if someone laughed at me.
92) They’d never see daylight again.
93) The last thing they’d see is lead pipe.
94) I cannot buy gifts for Belarus.
95) She’ll think I want to marry her.
96) When I don’t.
97) I cannot be without vodka.
98) Did I mention the wonders of vodka?
99) It’s way better than beer.
100) KOLKOLKOL…
Subject: 100 Things Russia Cannot Do (By yours truly.) 
Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:35 pm
I cannot go to China’s house.
