DON'T READ IF YOU FIND THINGS OFFENSIVE REAL EASILY, EXPRESSLY IF YOUR RELIGIOUS KK THANKS <3 Please note, I did not make this at all. If I did I would say so, but I don't take what belongs to someone else. This is stuff I found on the internet and I decided to write it out instead of showing pictures just incase people's eye sight sucks <3.
The Bible:
Old Testament: So like God creates the universe and he sees it as serious buisness, but then god damn Satan pretended to be a damn snake and troll God damn Eve telling her "APPLES OR GTFO" *Cause she was already showing her tits, right.*. She chooses the former, then her and her damn fuck buddy Adam get B& from Eden for being TrollBait. Then A lot of serious god damn incest occurs and we get the human race. *Which actually explains A LOT*
Then Later on in the story, God gets uber pissed at Pharaoh Hitler for pwning the Jews, so he goes and gives Moses some cheat codes for the god damn Universe. Moses Stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the fucking sea for the Jews to run through, he then closed it behind him and drowned the ancient Nazis. God lol'd.
Some other less important shit occurs, mostly a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.
New Testament: So god is minding his own buisness until he finds Mary, and just sticks his tip in and drops the god damn load. Nine months later, Jesus christ was fucking born. For his thirteenth birthday, God gave Jesus some cheat codes that he gave Moses; plus the rcon password for life and some CP.
Later, Jesus became some hard core ska punk and trolled the old school Jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine fucking inch nails. They kind of forgot he had god mode turned on, so he waited three days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, Came back into the life's server and laughed at em Jews.
After that, Three more guys tell the story but then this Faggot ass guy Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other fucking stuff Jesus never said BUT everybody fucking believed Paul anyways, cause they're fucking retards.
The End <3
Holy Bible:
Warning: This is a work of Ficton. Do NOT take it literally.
Content Advisory: Contains verses descriptive or advocating suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent content, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs or alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness, and human rights violations and atrocities.
Christianity:
The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove the evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical Tree.
Makes Perfect Sense, eh?
Ten Commandments of a Ceiling Cat *Doesn't relate much to bible thingy, but WHATEVER*
1. I iz Ceiling Cat
2. Ceiling cat comz 1st.
3. Don' lissen to basement cat.
4. Don' use mai name to do eveil things.
5. Rememer Caturday n keepz it lazy.
6. Drive ur hooman az crazy az possibl.
7. Don' Kill, unless hooman makez u dress up.
8. Don' cheat n huk up wit crazy kitteh down the street.
9. Don' lie, unless u haz to.
10. Don' steel. Jus take stuff wiffout permishun an put it back B4 they kno.
Atheism:
The belief that there was nothing and nothing happened to nothing and then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self-replicating bits which then turned into Dinosaurs.
Spiritual Safety Tip:
What should you do if you find an Atheist?
If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood, Tell a parent or Pastor.
You may be moved to try and witness to these poor lost souls yourself however, Avoid talking to them!
Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God's world.
Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches. Let adults handle them.
Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Subject: Religion Stuff -Read if you want~- 
Thu Sep 02, 2010 3:15 am
